Thief In The Night

Many of you have met my best friend Oliver.

Oliver's quite the character, the life of the party, a four foot tall penguin with the character and serving ability befitting a penguin of eight feet.

My Scrubs companion, mocker of all things I hate, supporter of all things I enjoy, laugher at all my jokes, class of the party, keeper of the peace, holder of the afternoon scotch, has been stolen.


I know what you're thinking. He ran away.

Impossible, he likes it too much here.

I've hit a low point in my existence when someone feels the need to lift my pet penguin out of my living room. Seriously, stop and think about this one for a second. Whoever took him walked straight past a wall of DVDs and an enormous HD TV and grabbed... the penguin. Forgive me, but I'm taking this one a bit personally. This isnt like getting my car keyed 36 times where I can pretty much chalk it up to someone mistaking my car for someone elses, 36 different times. Someone walked into my home and grabbed the one object of worth to me that has no worth to anyone else.

I'd hoped upon hope that I would never again have to write another post like this one, but lets run through the suspects and those I've cleared.


Didnt do it:

1. Oliver - Stands to reason that one who enjoys the hell out of being here would stay here. I never had to put him on a leash, never had to worry about him trying to get out. If you think he ran away I think you need to repeat kindergarten.

Side note... Where does a 4 foot tall penguin sleep? Where he wants. And he wants to sleep here, so bring him back.

2. Me - I promise, this is my best friend we're talking about here. In more than 2 years we never had a single fight. Plus, where would I put him? I live here. If you suspect me then you people are idiots.

3. Terrell Owens - Could never get him out without dropping him, it would make a loud noise, I'd wake up, I'd come out, I'd see the moonlight reflecting off his big dumb earring, I'd grab a sandwich and run him down and tackle him.

4. Connor - Would never have been able to find the right house to begin with, though it would have been certain hilarity to watch as he most likely would have found a way to wear the wrong shoes for stealing.

5. Barbaro - I havent really found a way to pay tribute to the recently deceased tri legged equine, but I'm clearing him of this horrible crime.

6. Barack Obama - A year a ago and perhaps he's in the following section, but for now, not during a campaign run. C'mon folks.

Maybe, Maybe Not:

1. Auburn John - I've been getting way too many "Hey, now that Oliver's gone, do you think maybe I could move into one of the bedrooms?" No, Auburn John, he's still going to have a room when you bring him back.

Side Note... It's possible AJ lost him in an ugly bet. Very possible.

2. Alex - I was told at a young age that it doesnt matter how good you are at something, there's always someone out there who is better. Alex is pretty good with the ladies... but then there's Oliver. Perhaps this had to change...

3. Old School Nasty - A small part of me believes Oliver is on a "travelling gnome" journey with Old School Nasty and that I'll get him back with a photo album of Oliver at national monuments, bars, and water parks.

4. The Crafty Veteran - I'm not one that likes to make accusations unless someone is listening to me. The facts are this, The Crafty Vet lives with Oliver for 2 years, I move away and take Oliver with me, Oliver disappears. Funny that he never got stolen when I lived with Crafty. When the camera pans the crowd at next week's Hawks game I expect to see a man with computer sitting next to a four foot penguin. I might forgive the theft if the two of you make the "kiss cam."

5. OJ - Claims through his attorney "If I dont got the bird, your charge is absurd" but currently in process of writing book describing how he would have done it if he did

6. Giacomo - Too slow to get away with it, but is certainly trying to destroy my world one day at a time.

7. Travis - Showed up in a truck and unloaded a ping pong table. What did he load up in return? I'll be checking security camera tapes, but if you'd like to confess in the mean time, it would save me the trouble.

Most Likely Did It:

1. Kelsie - Doing her damnedest to make Oliver miserable with her mange, foolhardy prancing and pretentious cowering. Jealousy is dish best served cold... That's all I'm saying

2. Bob Costas - Restraining order be damned apparently, when will this guy leave me alone?

3. Keeneland Betting Lady - Took Auburn John's money and dignity, why not his roommate's penguin?

4. Lily the Dog - I haven't forgotten what she did to my car, it's no coincidence that she's come back for my animals. And to think, I got you racquetballs.