My Derby Wish List

As the hysteria for Derby top contender lists kicks up, I've decided to weigh in, albeit with absolutely no helpful information. Instead of making a list of those horses who I think have the talent to get in the big show, this list will be comprised of the horses I want to be in the race, from the 401 horses recently nominated, based on name alone.

For me, a good horse name should sound something like the name of a 1970s cover band. I like titles (Sir, Captain, the Great, etc.), adjectives (slow, happy, tired, etc.) and names that invoke a certain feeling of power. It should be unique, fun, possibly thought provoking, and should have the potential to establish a connection with a first time horse fan who knows nothing more about the animal than its label. I firmly believe that the more properly named thoroughbreds are better represented at the windows come the big races. For instance, it was a tough sell to get rid of Z Fortune and Z Humor at last year's Derby party because people wanted something unique. I would love to know what their odds would have been had they been given individual identities to the common uninformed bettor.

That being said, come May 2nd I hope we see:

1. Atomic Rain and/or Nuclear Wayne. If Atomic Rain, Nuclear Wayne and Deputy Glitters get locked in a strech duel, who do you think will finish 3rd? I thought so.

2. Capt. Candyman Can. After a stellar Hutcheson, it looks as though the Candyman might actually be here anyway. This is a good thing. I'll have no trouble selling this one off. See also Chocolate Candy by the same sire, Candy Ride.

3. Cantankerous Clyde. Is there any more blatant way of calling your horse an asshole?

4. Axel Foley. This is another that has a legit shot to stick around long enough to make the field. If he does, we'll play a separate over/under on how many times we hear the Beverly Hills Cop theme song over the course of the day. Pass up betting on Eddie Murphy at your own risk.

Side note: The sport of horse racing needs more headlines like this.

5. Il Postino. I've been waiting a long time to bet on a horse named after a Kevin Costner character. I assumed I would get the chance with Roy McAvoy or Crash Davis first. If memory serves me correctly I believe there was a Wyatt Earp and an Eliot Ness and I have to assume that a Robin Hood crossed our paths at some point but they never got near the Derby.

6. Horowitz. You have got to be kidding me. This horse has to be one of two things. A. Jewish; or B. A quick tempered, emotionally fragile cop who has to give up his gun and badge due to his unorthodox style but, fueled by a personal vendetta, still catches the killer on his own. If I could guarantee a Jewish horse there would be a dramatic increase in total attendance. An unorthodox, emotionally distant horse cop would have similar results.

7. Guam Typhoon. Too soon? Too soon.

8. Mr. Sizzling. First openly gay horse? We'll find out.

9. Gluteus Maximus (Ire). Proving that not only do the Irish feel the need to name a horse after after the ass, but also that the Jockey Club sees nothing strange about it.

10. Red Wine. Constant UB40s music and watching a friend of mine bring his own merlot in a flask is worth including the horse.

11. Sir Phenomenal. Second cousin to Mr. Sizzling.

12. Dueling Alex. Horse name creates more mysteries than provides answers. Either way, my friend Alex gets liquored up and pretends to and/or actually duels others in attendance. Could have ridiculous consequences, will be ridiculous fun.

13. Gold Schleiger. Of all the liquor brands to name your horse after, I'd assume one would first select a bourbon. Come to think of it I can't think of a single horse named after a brand of alcohol. Silverbulletday being the closest thing coming to mind.

14. Go Tebow Go. It is a rare occasion where I openly root against a horse, but the last thing the horse racing industry needs is this colt succeeding at the track and thus releasing his name to be forever used in puns and creative phrases in the naming of his offspring. Still, sure would add some spice to the field.

15. Baryshnikov / Beethoven. Either of these horses should provide Bob Costas with enough pun material to keep him from launching into a long winded, overly emotional, soft piano backed overcoming adversity piece. Also I'm a fan of naming horses after historical figures.

16. Smokey Lonesome. Though lonely and high is no way to go through life, it presents for an interesting combination in a horse. I would put him in the gate next to Cantankerous Clyde.

17. Sullenberger (Ire). All but guarantees that the world's new favorite and coolest pilot will get some face time during the day.

18. Clicker. I would then have the privilege of hearing my merlot drinking friend exclaim, "Clicker? I don't even know her!" all day long.

19. The Big Dunkin / The Pamplemousse. I have no idea what either of these titles refer to, but I will bet a thousand dollars that if one of these two wins the race, come Sunday morning Shaquille O'Neal will have a new self-proclaimed nickname.

20. Precious Package. I have mature friends.